fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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