I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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