I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
