Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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