I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
