theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
home. puking in laundry basket.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
