You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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