And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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