his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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