well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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