Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
