You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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