I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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