Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
