Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
