I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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