He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
