i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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