Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
