I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
