3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize