Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
