Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
