if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
