I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
