We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
