Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize