Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
