Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
