So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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