I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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