I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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