so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
