After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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