this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
