I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
