that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
