gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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