if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize