Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't trust your balls anymore.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
