is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
