Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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