Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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