O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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