i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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