tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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