You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize