I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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