I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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