We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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