so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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