If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize