i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize