so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
