he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
this boner is exhausting
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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