I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
