The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
