Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
