i jhust puked up my retainher.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
