Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
