The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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